Put the Motive in Motivation!!

I have been trying to find decent motivation for and attention to my work for the better part of this year. After I advanced to candidacy, I pretty much went on brain freeze. Oh sure, I had two good weeks right after advancing where I was all EXCITED and shit… but now I feel like I’m dragging my ass to the books, taping my eyelids open only to discover that at the end of the day, I’ve managed to half-heartedly read a chapter of something instead of finishing the book I meant to finish.

The isolation is getting to me. I think I need to plan more lunches or coffees – something to force a schedule, someone to be accountable to. “Did you finish those books you were reading”

Ultimately, I have to find the motive to motivate myself. WHY IN THE HELL AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?

I know the reasons: I love what I do. I read and think and talk about it for a living. I am actually committed to the idea of public higher education, to education at the undergrad – lower division, even – level. As I said before, I really do believe that my research has value and part of that value is my teaching… SO

GET OFF YOUR ASS, GET A COFFEE AND GET TO WORK!!

I just requested summer teaching, so maybe I’ll get to test out all my fucking brilliant teaching skills and ideas and come up with the perfect survey course.

Some more meaningful bogging is in the works, I just want to get through some work first. *sigh*

On Being Busy

It has certainly been a while since I last posted around here, and I wish that wasn’t the case. Here’s a brief update:

1. I got engaged in August. Long story short, he asked me “How’s next summer?” We’re getting married next summer back in Home County and are very excited, but a little bit stressed about the planning.

2. I love-hate my boobs. They’re enormous, but the Rack of Doom (thanks Kate Harding for this term) just doesn’t fit in and stupid store bought dress, and frankly, neither does my fat ass. Why? Because apparently fat girls don’t get to shop off the rack – and I am totally not about to put half down (non-refundable) to order a dress is a size I haven’t tried on. So I’m considering dressmakers.

3. As a result, dissertation research is going slow. I had hoped to have a chapter done by now and I don’t. Boooo!

4. My (university owned) apartment has a water leak in one of the closets, and termites in the ceiling trusses – or maybe HAD – the termite guy is coming today.

5. I once worked as a nanny for a Jewish family and had a discussion with the father about the smashing of a glass at a Jewish wedding. M- said almost nonchalantly that it served as a reminder of the destruction of the Temple and earthly suffering, and as a reminder to participate in Tikkun Olam, the healing or mending of the world. I like  these explanations, and as my dissertation is largely about the destruction of the Temple, I am considering adding this to our ceremony. I am not sure how my fiance will react to this proposition.

(NB although I am a scholar of religion, and even to a certain extent, of ancient Judaism, I am not actually familiar with the development of this tradition.)

6. I am struggling with another fellowship application. I’m trying to abstract my diss to 200 words (!!) THAT’S NOT FAIR and I’m trying to find the most eloquent way to express the relevance of my project to the study of religious values (which has not been required of any other application I’ve submitted so far).  **sigh**

7. In the event that any readers of In the Pink have clicked here after reading my comments, Hello!

And with, that, I’ll leave you again, until I have something more substantial to say.

OH.

8. PUBLIC OPTION NOW! Either it’s a moral imperative to provide health care to everyone, or it isn’t. I think it is.

9. Watch Zombieland!! If you’re lucky, it might still be out in theaters, but you might have to Netflix it

10. Also, Roman Polanski is an as ass nugget who deserves to be prosecuted.

MJ Memorial Service

Yes, I watched it. Yes, I cried. Yes, I saw Paris and yes she made me cry.

In spite of how much his music makes me happy, Michael Jackson was a terribly sad,  unwell person in the end. I find it terribly sad that all the joy he brought to the world in his music & dance was at the expense of any sense of normalcy in his whole life. I feel sad for him and I feel sad for his children.

And this concludes the media fiasco (I hope).

Michael Jackson

I was a high schooler at the height of Nirvana’s fame.

I don’t remember the first time I heard a Nirvana song. I don’t remember when I was when I heard that Kurt Cobain had died. I didn’t cry. His death didn’t phase me at all. I didn’t even own a Nirvana cd until I was almost 30.

I absolutely remember when my parents brought home the Thriller album on vinyl. I doubt it was the first time I heard Michael Jackson. It was the same say they got Culture Club’s Colour By Numbers. When my parents asked me which one we should listen to first, I picked Culture Club. My mom asked me if I knew that the person on the cover (i.e. Boy George) was a boy and not a girl. I remember studying the Thriller album cover. I remember being allowed to watch the full version of the Thriller video as a scary movie.

I had this poster.

I never really identified myself as a Michael Jackson fan. I guess I just sort of assumed that everybody liked his music. He was a talented performer and he had an incalculable impact on music in the last half century.

I don’t remember where I was I when I heard that Kurt Cobain died, but I will probably always remember where I was when I heard that Michael Jackson died.

I was working in the library at Beach U, taking a break from editing the web page I’d been assigned to create. I read TMZ’s announcement that Michael Jackson had died, and then waited and waited to get “reliable” information. My immediate reaction? “OH MY GOD, MICHAEL JACKSON DIED!!” I guess I thought he’s just be around, like he had been for my entire life.

The Way You Make Me Feel and Beat It are probably my all time favorite Michael Jackson songs.

I hope he’s found peace.

Why be an academic asshole?

I found a stupid article* by a stupid scholar* about what I was planning on writing in my stupid dissertation. “SHITFUCK,” was, I believe, my actual response. And yes, it actually does generally what I was going to do in chapter 3. The good news is, (1) I haven’t actually started writing, (2) it’s a pretty good article, (3) it doesn’t have the same scope that my chapter will have, and (4) now I don’t have to do the work that she did, and I can build on it instead. In the end, I think I spent about 2 hours in a state of panic & fear, and then I realized that it’s really ok – in fact, it’s probably good for me to have someone who has published well-articulated thoughts that I can respond to and build on.

One colleague, another grad student, said, “It’s ok. Just find what she did wrong and tear her up.”

I personally find the idea that everyone else is wrong and must be destroyed to be disgusting and horrible and counter-productive to scholarly conversation in the humanities. In my area of studies, it’s totally possible to have different, but equally plausible interpretations or explanations of the primary source materials (the data). I prefer to think of scholarship as collaborative rather than competitive, as building and improving on the work other scholars have done, and as a discussion. I think setting out to “prove someone wrong” or “tear someone up” is unnecessarily combative. 

Jacob Neusner, for example, was out of line, unprofessional and downright mean in his review of Shaye Cohen’s book The Beginnings of Jewishness. I won’t even bother citing the review, because it was largely an ad-hominem attack of a younger scholar by a famous and important older scholar. Neusner’s review did not impress me at all. It made me think he’s unprofessional and mean. It did not make me want to read more of Neusner’s work. It did not make me want to talk to him. It caused me lose almost all respect for the man, as a scholar and a human being. To be fair, I have never met Jacob Neusner, and I’ve certainly not read all of his books, and he has made some very important contributions to scholarship.

Likewise, I am not impressed by in-person attacks at professional conferences. It just makes the attacker look like an asshole. In short: there are respectful and professional ways to speak to and about the work of other scholars while challenging, critiquing and even disagreeing with or disproving their conclusions or methods. It is simply unnecessary and unprofessional to be an asshole.

*where “stupid articele” means “a pretty good article about my own topic, therefore I hate it for no good reason” and “stupid scholar” means “a well-respected scholar who writes well about what I wanted to write about and therefore I hate her for no good reason”

Academy Schmacademy

** the following was composed in 3/14/09 **
Today is a day of disillusionment.

I work very hard at my own research projects. I work very hard to prepare to teach my classes and to help my students. I make an effort to participate in the larger academic community here at Beach U and through national/international scholarly societies. As already noted I believe that my scholarship and teaching contribute to something bigger than my area of study or my dissertation – I believe that my scholarship contributes to a greater understanding of human experience and meaning, and I believe that I can teach critical thinking, reading & writing skills to students who will, as a result, be better able to participate in society (as voters, as parents, as human beings).

But you know what? My university doesn’t think I (or most of my colleagues) are worth supporting. I have received the bare minimum of financial support from my department and my university. Now, I know it’s a little ridiculous to expect “free money” and I DON’T. All I’m talking about here is tuition remission and salary to work as a TA or teaching associate.

I proposed 3 summer classes, all of which are regularly taught by advanced graduate students in the summer. I didn’t get any of them.

The basic Western Civ class in my department is split into 3 terms. I proposed to teach the ancient portions (Western Civilization, Ancient). I am one of a few people in my department who is both a specialist in ancient religions of the Mediterranean and actually interested in teaching the first term, the “ancient” part of the Western Civ series. They offered the summer class to a recent graduate — because he graduated he’s no longer under union contract and therefore cheaper. THEN, they canceled the class for the fall term, so I won’t be teaching that one either. Jerks.

** end previous post, which was never finished **

Since writing the above post I have been offered a job teaching basic writing composition – a 3 term contract, decent pay, tuition/fee remission and only one class of 25 per term. It’s a freaking great deal and I think it would be a great experience…. HOWEVER

I was just offered a year long fellowship, which includes a stipend and tuition/fee remission!! This is great news, and now I feel much more appreciated by both my department (which nominated me for the fellowship) and graduate division (which awarded me the fellowship).

So, this makes me fell a little bit better, but doesn’t solve or answer all of my concerns about the way that the university treats graduate students – especially graduate students in the humanities.

Focus? I need some.

I used Beach Univesrity’s Student Health Eye Clinic to order a new pair of glasses and to change the prescription in my sunglasses. I did so because it was fucking cheap and convenient (since Boyfriend and I only have one car – going to campus is easier than getting to any other glasses boutique). The glasses are all screwed up: first, prescription is wrong, go back, prescription is right, but doesn’t work for me, get re-tested, send glasses out again. Wait. Wait. now I’m waiting til next week to get them back.

Also: I feel totally brain dead today. It’s hot, I can’t focus on my work, and I’d rather be visiting with C and the baby.

Also The Second: The Millionaire Matchmaker is fascinating, satisfying, but also TOTALLY FUCKING HORRIFYING.

points 1 & 2: She’s hilarious when she tells men to date women who aren’t 20 years younger than they are and to get serious or get out of her club.

point 3: “Men should act like men and women should act like women. It’s worked for millions of years” (paraphrased).

She has this real thing about what men do and what women do – in a very patriarchal, horrifying and outdated sense.

UPDATE:

As of 5/25/09, my glasses are still not right, and are out at the lab again. I hope they’re ready tomorrow. **grumble**

RE: Mark C. Taylor’s NYT Op-Ed Piece

I read Mark C. Taylor’s NYT Op-Ed piece this morning. It kind of pissed me off.

I’m absolutely do not think that either abolishing tenure or enforcing mandatory retirement are going to solve the problems of the academy. In fact, I think it might be a really bad idea.

Prof. Taylor, do you really want the professorate to be a “7 year contract job”??? How will you get any commitment to or personal investment in an institution? Do you really want to look for a new job every 7 years? Do you really want professors to move & relocate their research every 7 years? That’s time & connections lost. Do you really want professors to uproot their families every 7 years? That’s probably 2 people looking for new jobs and kids in new schools, new scout troops, baseball teams, dance classes etc. I don’t want that. In fact, I think it SUCKS.

I for one, think we should be making the academy MORE family friendly, not less. I think we should be making it a better, happier & healthier place to work. I think universities & colleges should WANT faculty who are committed to their institution & students, and have a vested interest in it because it treats them well both as instructors/
researchers and as human beings instead of as brains on sticks. I think that’s actually the way to get professors to stay sharp at their jobs. If we expect a reasonable amount of work from professors rather than expecting them to cut out friends, family, sleep, etc. we might actually get professors who are better at their jobs overall.

The idea of finding a new job every 7 year and potentially moving to a new state every 7 years is particularly detrimental to women, especially those with children. 1. In hetero families, it is still typically the man’s job that determines family location and every time a hetero family has to move it is likely that the woman will be the one to take whatever job she can find. 2. Women are more frequently the family care-givers, still, which makes it likely that the woman will be the one managing more of move and making childcare arrangements (yes, I am aware that this is a generalization and that many of the fathers I know don’t like it any more than I do). 3. These 2 factors combine to make it likely that a woman’s earning potential falls, which is bad for the family, but also bad for her in the event of divorce or death of her spouse (God forbid).

However, I agree that it’s time to start training graduate students with skills and experience that are relevant outside of the university – but also that it’s time to stop treating graduate students as monkey-slaves who can do so much of the dirty work that is ESSENTIAL to the functioning of a univeristy (i.e. running lab research, teaching sections, grading papers, meeting with students and lecturing/adjuncting to teach courses as instructors of record for crappy pay, without good support (that is, offices etc.) and without benefits).

Taylor is right, something has to change. Nobody likes being treated like a brain on a stick, and we are producing PhDs faster than we can employ them in the academy, but I don’t think that abolishing tenure, enforcing mandatory retirement or shifting to 7 years contract exclusively are good ideas.

Life Happens & that’s why I’m Pro-Choice (Updated 2x)

A brand new term has begun here at Beach University, with all the attendant excitement and lofty goals for productivity. I, however, barely got anything done last week (week 1 of the quarter) because one of my oldest, dearest friends has been in the hospital – the ICU – for about two weeks. She’s been intubated for at least part of the time. She had complications after a c-section: infection, abscess, and distended belly. The baby’s four weeks old and she pretty much hasn’t had any normal time with her baby in her home. Her husband isn’t sure when she’ll be out if the ICU, let alone when she might get out of the hospital. It is BAD. I’ve cried. I’ve prayed. I’ve cursed the Gods for doing this to her. I’ve begged them to make her well. I’ve looked at pictures of her beautiful son over and over and over again. I’m stuck in Beachville waiting for a time when her husband says I can come see her.

My dear friend has a beautiful, healthy baby boy and she could still die because she gave birth to him.

So life happens.

She had great plans to have a natural home birth, but the baby was just too big and her labor was just too long, so she had a c-section – and thank the Gods western medicine gave her that option because she or the baby or both might have died otherwise. She had a pulmonary embolism while still in the hospital after the c-section and now she’s spent about two weeks in the ICU, close to death, as a result of complications from the c-section.

Now, my friend and her husband not only WANTED this child, they PLANNED this child. They decided they wanted to have a baby and she got pregnant shortly after they decided it was time to start trying. Many women, however, did not intend to get pregnant or can not continue the pregnancy for any number of reasons.

Pregnancy, labor, and child birth are literally life-threatening to women and I think we in the western world forget that. Women, even in America, regularly die from pregnancy and childbirth complications. Forcing a woman to continue a pregnancy, carry a child to term and deliver the baby is literally putting her life at risk and no one should ever be required to put her life in jeopardy against her will. Period.

I don’t give a shit what your religion says about it or what you believe. In America we do not have a national religion and our Constitution expressly forbids requiring religious allegiance to a particular religion. I give a shit about women who can, do and will die from pregnancy & childbirth complications and I care about the women who have, can and will die from unregulated abortions by untrained practitioners if abortion is made illegal in the United States.

The issue of woman continuing or terminating a pregnancy is NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. Period. It is a decision she has to make on her own, with the advice of a doctor and her chosen confidants.

Pregnancy is potentially lethal to women. Women should not be forced to put their lives at risk. Abortion must remain legal and accessible. Period.

I’m pro-family. I’m pro-child. I’m pro-choice.

UPDATE:

C is out of the ICU, has almost all her tubes & IVs out, can move around, talk and HOLD HER BABY!!! Today I called while she was holding a sleeping baby, so I “only” talked to her hubby, but I could hear her…. Of course, I’m not about to believe that she’s really ok until I can see her and poke her (call me Doubting Thomas, whatever). So now I’m waiting for the call from them telling me it’s time for the week-long help with the new baby visit that I promised them before the baby was born.

In conclusion: Thank the gods for modern medicine.

UPDATE THE SECOND:

C was back into the hospital with more complications. She wasn’t there very long, but for the love of all that is good an holy, hasn’t she had enough? She is back out of the hospital again, but as I noted above (and it came true) I’m not going to think that she’s actually better until it’s been 2 months and I’ve seen her and poked her.

I’ve got it (the Right Stuff)

As in I’ve got tickets to see The New Kids on the Block here in Beachville. As in in Beachville. I’m so excited! Yes. I am actually paying to see the boys twice in the same year. As I said before, Hell froze over and I will proclaim my NKOTB-love loudly and proudly.

Please excuse me while I go squeal and run around the apartment in excitement.